[ zuko doesn't know what to say. he doesn't know what to make of katsa speaking to azula. he doesn't know what to say to her questions. azula's dangerous. azula's not the same. azula hates me. azula always lies. ]
[ he opts for the truth, or as much of it he feels like giving. it's not like he doesn't trust katsa. he's simply never been a fan of airing his dirty fire nation robes to anyone. ]
She's ... [ zuko sounds stressed, unsure. ] She's a firebending prodigy. She can generate lightning, I can't. She's quick and smart and ruthless. She doesn't ... She only knows how to firebend well. It's all Father wanted from her. He looked down on me when I learned how to use a sword, because I wasn't good enough. [ a sharpness seeps into his voice that he makes the point of removing. ]
She's my only sister. But sometimes ... [ he isn't so sure if she's exiled him from her life, too. sometimes he hates her, because she doesn't act like his sister. sometimes he wants to hate her so much he can say he no longer has one. sometimes, he just wants things to go back to the way they used to be. ]
[ he pauses for a long time. he doesn't know why katsa is asking, but he has a feeling maybe she would be a better teacher than him. he's never been good enough, not when it comes to azula. ]
[ his voice is quieter but tense. ] You need to be careful, Katsa.
[ Katsa doesn't know what to make of all this pausing and uncertainty. She's already unfamiliar with reading people and their relationships; it's even worse that she can't see Zuko's face through all of this. It's obvious that there's something Zuko's not saying or doesn't want to say; but how much does she want to press the point? ]
Zuko. Why? Of course I'm careful. No matter how much she tries to tell me she's a "liability" without firebending, she's your sister. There'd be far more to her than that.
[ And she is Katsa. That speaks to an assurance of itself in her confidence. ]
[ zuko's grateful she can't see his face. it's bad enough she can hear his voice. he's always been so poor at masking it. ]
We were on opposite sides of the war. The one back home ... She was with Father and I aligned myself with the Avatar, who was my father's enemy. She was about to take the throne before I stopped her. [ he thinks to tell her about the lightning, of how he'd prepared himself to redirect it because of her. she'd seen him at the tournament redirect it, but he hadn't been practicing on the off chance someone would be able to wield it as an ability. ]
She hates me. She's always hated me. [ it's easier to believe that than it is to think she actually loves him. ] She's one of the best firebenders I know, and she's also one of the most dangerous.
[ well. that's. a little awkward. and all katsa can muster to say is: ]
Oh.
[ katsa's had uncles who hate her, who hate their own sons—seen kings who murdered their wives and abused their daughters. knowing that zuko fought against his family, if he's from a royal one, is almost non-news to her and only confirms her trust in him, because kings rarely do what is right.
it makes her suddenly angry, thinking about it, but she reins it in. ]
Will you be all right with her here?
If she dares to try to hurt you, I'll hurt her first.
[ it's soft: ] I don't know. You don't have to. I've been living like this for years now. You don't have to worry about me.
[ it's the truth. zuko knows how to survive azula. what he knows he can't survive if not knowing if he needs to watch out for her. zuko just doesn't know. he doesn't know if she'll be the one to try and put a sword in his back. ]
[ but he does. he does. ]
[ his gut's telling him she may be unravelling, but she's more hesitant to slice into him, less intent and intense to strike out at him as though he's the enemy. they'd gotten along upon his return to the fire nation, but his own anger at himself had ruined the ease in which they could've properly returned to. she'd allowed it to, almost nurturing his self-loathing. but zuko knows he won't encourage what upsets her to blossom into a monster that eats away at her like fire. ]
Azula's ... [ he scratches the back of his neck. ] I think I know why you're asking me about her. Something happened to her at the very end of the war. She ... She was different. She wasn't as put together as she usually is. She was slipping. I put her in an institution so she could get better, because I couldn't help her.
[ it's the only reason why he had. if zuko knew how to help his sister, he never would've entrusted any medical practitioners to take care of her. but he's been poor at doing so for years now. he thinks she must see it, too. ]
I don't know why she gets upset sometimes, but she does. She starts yelling and — [ she starts saying things he doesn't understand, referring to people who aren't there, confusing him even more. ] just don't mention Mother. Don't mention any mothers. Something happened that I haven't experienced yet, and I think she's hurt.
[ That earns a frown. No, she doesn't have to worry, and yes, he might already know what he's doing, but that doesn't mean that Katsa's going to rescind her offer. She means it. Now that she knows, she can look after Zuko if necessary. ]
It doesn't matter whether or not you need me to. It's because you're a friend and I'd watch your back, as you'd watch mine without humiliating me.
[ She's learning. She's trying.
Katsa pulls at her hair and shudders. Slipping... She's heard Bitterblue talk about the last days with Ashen, who under Leck's influence struggled to retain her own mind. Katsa's had trouble with her own mind at times, too. And it makes her uncomfortable to think about, either with herself or other people. ]
I don't have a mother. I've no reason to mention one, anyway.
[ it's instinctual to say it. he'd said so to katara, about hers. he'd said so to sokka, about his. he'd believed for so long ursa was dead, but even though he finds her, he'd been without his mother when he needed her most. he thinks he can understand it, to some degree, anyway. ]
[ but he appreciates having a friend who will look out for him. he knows it's confusing, telling katsa to watch out for azula in terms of ensuring her back is never shown to his sister and then in the same breath speak of wanting to protect her. but the relationship he has with his sister is more complex than he'd even like to think. ]
Maybe you can help her more than I can. I don't know what's happened to her, and I don't — I do something to her that I haven't done yet, and I ... I don't know how to make up for it.
[ zuko shakes his head. it'd been easier when he didn't need to confront this, the horrid state of his relationship with her. without azula in the drabwurld, it'd been easy to ignore it. but with her here now ... zuko isn't sure how to fix it. he can fix a village, but he can't fix this. ]
[ Zuko's condolences are met with a genuinely unconcerned shrug (that she forgets he can't see). Katsa simply doesn't even know what it is either to have or to lose a mother: both her mother and her cousin's died of the same sickness very soon after Katsa was born. Not that she's incapable of being sympathetic toward others on the issue of mothers, but it doesn't affect her personally. ]
I don't know if I can help any better than you, when I certainly don't know more than you do. But I could try...
[ It strikes her suddenly that this is just a very odd conversation. ]
Zuko. Do you mean that she remembers things that you don't? Something about you?
[ he hesitates, and scolds himself for doing so. he feels like he's done something wrong, not being able to remember. with toph, he'd only felt stupid, but she had filled him in on what she knew, building him up to be her friend who hadn't changed at all. it's those from the future who see him flustered most, speaking of fire lord zuko, republic city, and all the great things he apparently does. ]
[ azula's different. azula's always been different. and he doesn't trust azula to not use what she knows and he doesn't to her advantage. ]
[ his voice is quiet. ] Yes.
[ it grows louder, but not into a fit of rage or even berating at himself. it's simply a slow ascend in pitch, as zuko finds all his anxieties he's been successful in pushing down deep inside of himself have only erupted once more. ] When Toph was here, she told me I find my mother. Azula confirmed it. But I haven't experienced it yet. I just became Fire Lord before I came here! I don't remember anything.
[ there's a lot to pick apart in here, and katsa isn't quite sure where to start. she wants to ask about why zuko's mother needed to be found int he first place, to start, but he's focused on the memories and the remembering. katsa can't read zuko as well, but she knows that it has been distressing for po not to remember his last stay in the drabwurld, and perhaps that's similar. she hasn't experienced the things he has, either. ]
Zuko. Did you know Po is in Allaidh Darach again? Only he's older—eight years older than he last was. Eight years that I've not lived but he remembers, but he doesn't remember that he's ever been here before himself.
[ it isn't exactly meant to comfort him, and it seems extremely off-topic in the way she presents it. but there's a reason to her bringing it up as she does, an awkward way at least of saying that he isn't the only one who doesn't remember things, and that something in this goes far beyond what she understands. ]
Oh. [ it sounds quiet. zuko's not so sure how he should respond. does he apologise? does he say sorry? he finds he does, nonetheless. it seems like the thing to do. but it's a noticeable pause yet again, between his first sound and what he says. ] I'm sorry. That must be hard. But why doesn't he remember?
I don't know. [ she shrugs before remembering he's not there to see it. ] He doesn't like it, and neither do I. But it doesn't do either of us any good now to be caught up in what did or didn't or will or won't happen. Does it change what happens here?
[ zuko has a feeling she's asking that question about he and azula. the thing is, his relationship with his sister isn't anything like what he assumes katsa and po's to be. they get along. they seem like they genuinely love one another. zuko and azula ... he doubts even katara and sokka could begin to comprehend the nature of their tattered relationship. ]
It could. [ azula is as volatile as he is. their relationship is like a volcano that isn't so sure if it wants to erupt. ] I want it to change for the better. I don't know if she feels the same. I don't even know if she wants it. It's been this way for so long ... [ he sighs. ]
How do you not let it affect you? How do you not let him knowing things that you don't get to you?
[ let's definitely hope his relationship with his sister isn't what katsa's and po's is like. that's the assumption we want to be making. but no, katsa can't quite comprehend that sort of relationship. ]
It does get to me, and I know it gets to him. It's only that there are things happening here, too, and I know I can control those things.
If I focus only on what I might or might not do in the future, then I'm not paying any attention to knowing things together while we are together. I don't know anything about the future. I've no prescient Grace, and nor do I care to know. I want to act and choose as I see fit now without feeling bound by what might come.
[ zuko cards his hand through his hair. he'd been so hellbent for years to achieve his destiny, to find his honour and restore it. it's been his perception of the world for so long it's hard for him to even think perhaps he isn't destined for anything great, other than being himself. ]
[ azula knowing something zuko doesn't is a power his sister will wield, a weapon she will use against him when she thinks she needs to. it's how it's always been for the two of them, fighting blue fire against red. ]
I don't know, Katsa. [ he breathes it out. ] Azula and I ... We're not ... Her knowing something I don't — she's going to use it against me. It's how she is! She's always been using the things she knows to get to me. [ father wants to kill you. we find mother. azula knows how to twist zuko into a knot not even he can untie, and he doesn't trust her, despite wanting to. ]
Toph told me I find my mother. Azula tells me something Mother did that can't be true! I don't know if I can trust her.
[ Katsa tries, and she tries hard, but connecting to people on a personal level is still difficult. Her brand of comfort, as she has been informed, bears some similarity to her tactical offense. ]
You know plenty of things she doesn't know, either. She doesn't know about this world like you do, or how its magic works or its people. She doesn't have your silver cloak. Maybe you'll find your mother or maybe you won't. If she'd try to manipulate you like that, hold something she knows about your mother over you like that, then don't bother listening.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audio;
[ he opts for the truth, or as much of it he feels like giving. it's not like he doesn't trust katsa. he's simply never been a fan of airing his dirty fire nation robes to anyone. ]
She's ... [ zuko sounds stressed, unsure. ] She's a firebending prodigy. She can generate lightning, I can't. She's quick and smart and ruthless. She doesn't ... She only knows how to firebend well. It's all Father wanted from her. He looked down on me when I learned how to use a sword, because I wasn't good enough. [ a sharpness seeps into his voice that he makes the point of removing. ]
She's my only sister. But sometimes ... [ he isn't so sure if she's exiled him from her life, too. sometimes he hates her, because she doesn't act like his sister. sometimes he wants to hate her so much he can say he no longer has one. sometimes, he just wants things to go back to the way they used to be. ]
[ he pauses for a long time. he doesn't know why katsa is asking, but he has a feeling maybe she would be a better teacher than him. he's never been good enough, not when it comes to azula. ]
[ his voice is quieter but tense. ] You need to be careful, Katsa.
audio;
Zuko. Why? Of course I'm careful. No matter how much she tries to tell me she's a "liability" without firebending, she's your sister. There'd be far more to her than that.
[ And she is Katsa. That speaks to an assurance of itself in her confidence. ]
audio;
We were on opposite sides of the war. The one back home ... She was with Father and I aligned myself with the Avatar, who was my father's enemy. She was about to take the throne before I stopped her. [ he thinks to tell her about the lightning, of how he'd prepared himself to redirect it because of her. she'd seen him at the tournament redirect it, but he hadn't been practicing on the off chance someone would be able to wield it as an ability. ]
She hates me. She's always hated me. [ it's easier to believe that than it is to think she actually loves him. ] She's one of the best firebenders I know, and she's also one of the most dangerous.
audio;
Oh.
[ katsa's had uncles who hate her, who hate their own sons—seen kings who murdered their wives and abused their daughters. knowing that zuko fought against his family, if he's from a royal one, is almost non-news to her and only confirms her trust in him, because kings rarely do what is right.
it makes her suddenly angry, thinking about it, but she reins it in. ]
Will you be all right with her here?
If she dares to try to hurt you, I'll hurt her first.
audio;
[ it's the truth. zuko knows how to survive azula. what he knows he can't survive if not knowing if he needs to watch out for her. zuko just doesn't know. he doesn't know if she'll be the one to try and put a sword in his back. ]
[ but he does. he does. ]
[ his gut's telling him she may be unravelling, but she's more hesitant to slice into him, less intent and intense to strike out at him as though he's the enemy. they'd gotten along upon his return to the fire nation, but his own anger at himself had ruined the ease in which they could've properly returned to. she'd allowed it to, almost nurturing his self-loathing. but zuko knows he won't encourage what upsets her to blossom into a monster that eats away at her like fire. ]
Azula's ... [ he scratches the back of his neck. ] I think I know why you're asking me about her. Something happened to her at the very end of the war. She ... She was different. She wasn't as put together as she usually is. She was slipping. I put her in an institution so she could get better, because I couldn't help her.
[ it's the only reason why he had. if zuko knew how to help his sister, he never would've entrusted any medical practitioners to take care of her. but he's been poor at doing so for years now. he thinks she must see it, too. ]
I don't know why she gets upset sometimes, but she does. She starts yelling and — [ she starts saying things he doesn't understand, referring to people who aren't there, confusing him even more. ] just don't mention Mother. Don't mention any mothers. Something happened that I haven't experienced yet, and I think she's hurt.
audio;
It doesn't matter whether or not you need me to. It's because you're a friend and I'd watch your back, as you'd watch mine without humiliating me.
[ She's learning. She's trying.
Katsa pulls at her hair and shudders. Slipping... She's heard Bitterblue talk about the last days with Ashen, who under Leck's influence struggled to retain her own mind. Katsa's had trouble with her own mind at times, too. And it makes her uncomfortable to think about, either with herself or other people. ]
I don't have a mother. I've no reason to mention one, anyway.
audio;
[ it's instinctual to say it. he'd said so to katara, about hers. he'd said so to sokka, about his. he'd believed for so long ursa was dead, but even though he finds her, he'd been without his mother when he needed her most. he thinks he can understand it, to some degree, anyway. ]
[ but he appreciates having a friend who will look out for him. he knows it's confusing, telling katsa to watch out for azula in terms of ensuring her back is never shown to his sister and then in the same breath speak of wanting to protect her. but the relationship he has with his sister is more complex than he'd even like to think. ]
Maybe you can help her more than I can. I don't know what's happened to her, and I don't — I do something to her that I haven't done yet, and I ... I don't know how to make up for it.
[ zuko shakes his head. it'd been easier when he didn't need to confront this, the horrid state of his relationship with her. without azula in the drabwurld, it'd been easy to ignore it. but with her here now ... zuko isn't sure how to fix it. he can fix a village, but he can't fix this. ]
audio;
I don't know if I can help any better than you, when I certainly don't know more than you do. But I could try...
[ It strikes her suddenly that this is just a very odd conversation. ]
Zuko. Do you mean that she remembers things that you don't? Something about you?
audio;
[ azula's different. azula's always been different. and he doesn't trust azula to not use what she knows and he doesn't to her advantage. ]
[ his voice is quiet. ] Yes.
[ it grows louder, but not into a fit of rage or even berating at himself. it's simply a slow ascend in pitch, as zuko finds all his anxieties he's been successful in pushing down deep inside of himself have only erupted once more. ] When Toph was here, she told me I find my mother. Azula confirmed it. But I haven't experienced it yet. I just became Fire Lord before I came here! I don't remember anything.
audio;
Zuko. Did you know Po is in Allaidh Darach again? Only he's older—eight years older than he last was. Eight years that I've not lived but he remembers, but he doesn't remember that he's ever been here before himself.
[ it isn't exactly meant to comfort him, and it seems extremely off-topic in the way she presents it. but there's a reason to her bringing it up as she does, an awkward way at least of saying that he isn't the only one who doesn't remember things, and that something in this goes far beyond what she understands. ]
audio;
Oh. [ it sounds quiet. zuko's not so sure how he should respond. does he apologise? does he say sorry? he finds he does, nonetheless. it seems like the thing to do. but it's a noticeable pause yet again, between his first sound and what he says. ] I'm sorry. That must be hard. But why doesn't he remember?
audio;
audio;
It could. [ azula is as volatile as he is. their relationship is like a volcano that isn't so sure if it wants to erupt. ] I want it to change for the better. I don't know if she feels the same. I don't even know if she wants it. It's been this way for so long ... [ he sighs. ]
How do you not let it affect you? How do you not let him knowing things that you don't get to you?
audio;
It does get to me, and I know it gets to him. It's only that there are things happening here, too, and I know I can control those things.
If I focus only on what I might or might not do in the future, then I'm not paying any attention to knowing things together while we are together. I don't know anything about the future. I've no prescient Grace, and nor do I care to know. I want to act and choose as I see fit now without feeling bound by what might come.
audio;
[ azula knowing something zuko doesn't is a power his sister will wield, a weapon she will use against him when she thinks she needs to. it's how it's always been for the two of them, fighting blue fire against red. ]
I don't know, Katsa. [ he breathes it out. ] Azula and I ... We're not ... Her knowing something I don't — she's going to use it against me. It's how she is! She's always been using the things she knows to get to me. [ father wants to kill you. we find mother. azula knows how to twist zuko into a knot not even he can untie, and he doesn't trust her, despite wanting to. ]
Toph told me I find my mother. Azula tells me something Mother did that can't be true! I don't know if I can trust her.
audio;
[ Katsa tries, and she tries hard, but connecting to people on a personal level is still difficult. Her brand of comfort, as she has been informed, bears some similarity to her tactical offense. ]
You know plenty of things she doesn't know, either. She doesn't know about this world like you do, or how its magic works or its people. She doesn't have your silver cloak. Maybe you'll find your mother or maybe you won't. If she'd try to manipulate you like that, hold something she knows about your mother over you like that, then don't bother listening.