[ it's instinctual to say it. he'd said so to katara, about hers. he'd said so to sokka, about his. he'd believed for so long ursa was dead, but even though he finds her, he'd been without his mother when he needed her most. he thinks he can understand it, to some degree, anyway. ]
[ but he appreciates having a friend who will look out for him. he knows it's confusing, telling katsa to watch out for azula in terms of ensuring her back is never shown to his sister and then in the same breath speak of wanting to protect her. but the relationship he has with his sister is more complex than he'd even like to think. ]
Maybe you can help her more than I can. I don't know what's happened to her, and I don't — I do something to her that I haven't done yet, and I ... I don't know how to make up for it.
[ zuko shakes his head. it'd been easier when he didn't need to confront this, the horrid state of his relationship with her. without azula in the drabwurld, it'd been easy to ignore it. but with her here now ... zuko isn't sure how to fix it. he can fix a village, but he can't fix this. ]
[ Zuko's condolences are met with a genuinely unconcerned shrug (that she forgets he can't see). Katsa simply doesn't even know what it is either to have or to lose a mother: both her mother and her cousin's died of the same sickness very soon after Katsa was born. Not that she's incapable of being sympathetic toward others on the issue of mothers, but it doesn't affect her personally. ]
I don't know if I can help any better than you, when I certainly don't know more than you do. But I could try...
[ It strikes her suddenly that this is just a very odd conversation. ]
Zuko. Do you mean that she remembers things that you don't? Something about you?
[ he hesitates, and scolds himself for doing so. he feels like he's done something wrong, not being able to remember. with toph, he'd only felt stupid, but she had filled him in on what she knew, building him up to be her friend who hadn't changed at all. it's those from the future who see him flustered most, speaking of fire lord zuko, republic city, and all the great things he apparently does. ]
[ azula's different. azula's always been different. and he doesn't trust azula to not use what she knows and he doesn't to her advantage. ]
[ his voice is quiet. ] Yes.
[ it grows louder, but not into a fit of rage or even berating at himself. it's simply a slow ascend in pitch, as zuko finds all his anxieties he's been successful in pushing down deep inside of himself have only erupted once more. ] When Toph was here, she told me I find my mother. Azula confirmed it. But I haven't experienced it yet. I just became Fire Lord before I came here! I don't remember anything.
[ there's a lot to pick apart in here, and katsa isn't quite sure where to start. she wants to ask about why zuko's mother needed to be found int he first place, to start, but he's focused on the memories and the remembering. katsa can't read zuko as well, but she knows that it has been distressing for po not to remember his last stay in the drabwurld, and perhaps that's similar. she hasn't experienced the things he has, either. ]
Zuko. Did you know Po is in Allaidh Darach again? Only he's older—eight years older than he last was. Eight years that I've not lived but he remembers, but he doesn't remember that he's ever been here before himself.
[ it isn't exactly meant to comfort him, and it seems extremely off-topic in the way she presents it. but there's a reason to her bringing it up as she does, an awkward way at least of saying that he isn't the only one who doesn't remember things, and that something in this goes far beyond what she understands. ]
Oh. [ it sounds quiet. zuko's not so sure how he should respond. does he apologise? does he say sorry? he finds he does, nonetheless. it seems like the thing to do. but it's a noticeable pause yet again, between his first sound and what he says. ] I'm sorry. That must be hard. But why doesn't he remember?
I don't know. [ she shrugs before remembering he's not there to see it. ] He doesn't like it, and neither do I. But it doesn't do either of us any good now to be caught up in what did or didn't or will or won't happen. Does it change what happens here?
[ zuko has a feeling she's asking that question about he and azula. the thing is, his relationship with his sister isn't anything like what he assumes katsa and po's to be. they get along. they seem like they genuinely love one another. zuko and azula ... he doubts even katara and sokka could begin to comprehend the nature of their tattered relationship. ]
It could. [ azula is as volatile as he is. their relationship is like a volcano that isn't so sure if it wants to erupt. ] I want it to change for the better. I don't know if she feels the same. I don't even know if she wants it. It's been this way for so long ... [ he sighs. ]
How do you not let it affect you? How do you not let him knowing things that you don't get to you?
[ let's definitely hope his relationship with his sister isn't what katsa's and po's is like. that's the assumption we want to be making. but no, katsa can't quite comprehend that sort of relationship. ]
It does get to me, and I know it gets to him. It's only that there are things happening here, too, and I know I can control those things.
If I focus only on what I might or might not do in the future, then I'm not paying any attention to knowing things together while we are together. I don't know anything about the future. I've no prescient Grace, and nor do I care to know. I want to act and choose as I see fit now without feeling bound by what might come.
[ zuko cards his hand through his hair. he'd been so hellbent for years to achieve his destiny, to find his honour and restore it. it's been his perception of the world for so long it's hard for him to even think perhaps he isn't destined for anything great, other than being himself. ]
[ azula knowing something zuko doesn't is a power his sister will wield, a weapon she will use against him when she thinks she needs to. it's how it's always been for the two of them, fighting blue fire against red. ]
I don't know, Katsa. [ he breathes it out. ] Azula and I ... We're not ... Her knowing something I don't — she's going to use it against me. It's how she is! She's always been using the things she knows to get to me. [ father wants to kill you. we find mother. azula knows how to twist zuko into a knot not even he can untie, and he doesn't trust her, despite wanting to. ]
Toph told me I find my mother. Azula tells me something Mother did that can't be true! I don't know if I can trust her.
[ Katsa tries, and she tries hard, but connecting to people on a personal level is still difficult. Her brand of comfort, as she has been informed, bears some similarity to her tactical offense. ]
You know plenty of things she doesn't know, either. She doesn't know about this world like you do, or how its magic works or its people. She doesn't have your silver cloak. Maybe you'll find your mother or maybe you won't. If she'd try to manipulate you like that, hold something she knows about your mother over you like that, then don't bother listening.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
audio;
[ it's instinctual to say it. he'd said so to katara, about hers. he'd said so to sokka, about his. he'd believed for so long ursa was dead, but even though he finds her, he'd been without his mother when he needed her most. he thinks he can understand it, to some degree, anyway. ]
[ but he appreciates having a friend who will look out for him. he knows it's confusing, telling katsa to watch out for azula in terms of ensuring her back is never shown to his sister and then in the same breath speak of wanting to protect her. but the relationship he has with his sister is more complex than he'd even like to think. ]
Maybe you can help her more than I can. I don't know what's happened to her, and I don't — I do something to her that I haven't done yet, and I ... I don't know how to make up for it.
[ zuko shakes his head. it'd been easier when he didn't need to confront this, the horrid state of his relationship with her. without azula in the drabwurld, it'd been easy to ignore it. but with her here now ... zuko isn't sure how to fix it. he can fix a village, but he can't fix this. ]
audio;
I don't know if I can help any better than you, when I certainly don't know more than you do. But I could try...
[ It strikes her suddenly that this is just a very odd conversation. ]
Zuko. Do you mean that she remembers things that you don't? Something about you?
audio;
[ azula's different. azula's always been different. and he doesn't trust azula to not use what she knows and he doesn't to her advantage. ]
[ his voice is quiet. ] Yes.
[ it grows louder, but not into a fit of rage or even berating at himself. it's simply a slow ascend in pitch, as zuko finds all his anxieties he's been successful in pushing down deep inside of himself have only erupted once more. ] When Toph was here, she told me I find my mother. Azula confirmed it. But I haven't experienced it yet. I just became Fire Lord before I came here! I don't remember anything.
audio;
Zuko. Did you know Po is in Allaidh Darach again? Only he's older—eight years older than he last was. Eight years that I've not lived but he remembers, but he doesn't remember that he's ever been here before himself.
[ it isn't exactly meant to comfort him, and it seems extremely off-topic in the way she presents it. but there's a reason to her bringing it up as she does, an awkward way at least of saying that he isn't the only one who doesn't remember things, and that something in this goes far beyond what she understands. ]
audio;
Oh. [ it sounds quiet. zuko's not so sure how he should respond. does he apologise? does he say sorry? he finds he does, nonetheless. it seems like the thing to do. but it's a noticeable pause yet again, between his first sound and what he says. ] I'm sorry. That must be hard. But why doesn't he remember?
audio;
audio;
It could. [ azula is as volatile as he is. their relationship is like a volcano that isn't so sure if it wants to erupt. ] I want it to change for the better. I don't know if she feels the same. I don't even know if she wants it. It's been this way for so long ... [ he sighs. ]
How do you not let it affect you? How do you not let him knowing things that you don't get to you?
audio;
It does get to me, and I know it gets to him. It's only that there are things happening here, too, and I know I can control those things.
If I focus only on what I might or might not do in the future, then I'm not paying any attention to knowing things together while we are together. I don't know anything about the future. I've no prescient Grace, and nor do I care to know. I want to act and choose as I see fit now without feeling bound by what might come.
audio;
[ azula knowing something zuko doesn't is a power his sister will wield, a weapon she will use against him when she thinks she needs to. it's how it's always been for the two of them, fighting blue fire against red. ]
I don't know, Katsa. [ he breathes it out. ] Azula and I ... We're not ... Her knowing something I don't — she's going to use it against me. It's how she is! She's always been using the things she knows to get to me. [ father wants to kill you. we find mother. azula knows how to twist zuko into a knot not even he can untie, and he doesn't trust her, despite wanting to. ]
Toph told me I find my mother. Azula tells me something Mother did that can't be true! I don't know if I can trust her.
audio;
[ Katsa tries, and she tries hard, but connecting to people on a personal level is still difficult. Her brand of comfort, as she has been informed, bears some similarity to her tactical offense. ]
You know plenty of things she doesn't know, either. She doesn't know about this world like you do, or how its magic works or its people. She doesn't have your silver cloak. Maybe you'll find your mother or maybe you won't. If she'd try to manipulate you like that, hold something she knows about your mother over you like that, then don't bother listening.